by Dan

I remember the first time I got high.  Now the time before this, I smoked pot with my friends in a car, as is the tradition at Hofstra University, right in the freshmen parking lot.  I remember my legs felt like cement, but other than that I felt no effects of the marijuana.

I told myself “I think next time I smoke, I’m going to get really high.”  Lo and behold, the next night we went back out into the parking lot and hit out of a little yellow and black bubbler in the car.  I had a couple coughing attacks, but still felt sober when the bubbler was kicked.  We got out of the car and began walking back towards the building.  I looked at the shadows that the street lights were casting, about 35 degrees and long behind us to the left.  I felt my body starting to bend uncontrollably in the same direction and began laughing profusely.

Everyone walked towards the dorm building, I waved them on and went the other way back to my building.

There’s a very long parking lot in between the two buildings that I made my way across.  I’m not sure if this next part actually happened, or if I was just hallucinating, but a red mustang was sitting alone in the parking lot. As I crossed in front of it, the headlights turned on and the car started revving it’s engine at me. I looked at it and started laughing.  It revved maybe five or six more times, each time I burst out more laughter, still walking, but hunched over in hilarity.  I called my friend and told him about the situation through a voicemail (I listened to it later.  I was out of my mind).

As I was getting towards my building, I decided to stop at the on campus convenient store, Dutch Treats, which is right across the street from my building.  I walked in there, and everyone was looking at me like I was a fiend.  I grabbed a bag of chips, and ordered a sandwich.  Every person I looked at looked me up and down with a slight bit of disgust on their face.  I caught my reflection in one of those circular mirrors that shows you if anyone’s coming around the corner.  My eyes were redder than a ripe tomato.  I closed my eyes and made my way towards the register, keeping them as tightly squeezed as I could, all the while paying.  I blindly walked out of the shop and got to the edge of the road.

I looked one way, then the other.  As I looked off to the right, there was a man walking away from me down the middle of the road.  As though he could feel my eyes watching him, he turned around quickly, his arms whipping around, dangling at his sides as though he had no bones in them.  The first thought that popped in my head was, “Oh my God, a real zombie.”  I started to cross the street.  The zombie started walking back in my direction.  I started to pick up my pace, hoping this monster would leave me alone.  To no avail, he began walking faster.  I started to jog, so did he.  I sprinted once I got to the other side of the street, and got to the security booth in front of my building.  I struggled to get my ID card out of my pocket.  I pulled it out and swiped it, pulling the door open quickly, just as my pursuer slammed against the glass, letting out a cloud of breath against the glass window on the door.  I jumped in terror, until I realized it was a co-worker of mine.

“Oh, it’s just you Dan.” He said, “I thought you were going to do something to the booth.”

I didn’t answer him, I just turned and swiped into the building with a very distraught look, I’m sure. I walked up the stairs to my floor and walked by my friend Becky and Michelle’s room.  My roommate was in there too, they were just starting to watch Batman Begins.  I joined them and got bugged out every time the scarecrow sprayed that nightmare shit.  My chips and sandwich were gone fifteen minutes into the movie.  I went to bed, laughed with my roommate about my night.

I remember the first time that I actually remembered that I smoked, (sorry if that didn’t make sense).  So me and my friends were on break from school, I think it was one of those Jewish holidays, and we decided to go back to school to blaze. We had the whole elaborate idea to construct a forest out of various plant life on campus however that completely did not happen. Anyways we took our shit , rolled that shit and smoked that shit.  So we’re blazed out of our minds,  our dd unaware to me got blazed in an adjacent room. This is where it gets hazy, unexpectedly WE DECIDE TO DRIVE BACK HOME to get more weed.  I was thinking to myself, fuck this there is no need for it but my actions exemplified that i was enthusiastically in favor of such a trip. Anyways we made it back to our hometown and park up in an abandoned lot , to wait for word on our dealer.  All of a sudden a car zips through the parking lot and immediately heads towards us. I’m pretty sure we were going to get shot up, mafia style but it was the FUCkIN 5-0.  We went through feelings of we are going to die  to feelings of we’re going to live and still die. So they approach our vehicle and quickly the dude in the passenger winds down the window and begins engaging in conversation with the cops.  As a side note the demographics of this car was 2 Hindus, a black dude and a white guy, luckily the white guy was in the passenger side.  The conversation went as the following.  
Cops: “Where are you guys heading”
Whitey: “We’re going to this house off ____ avenue”
Cops: *Looking at our id’s* “Aren’t you guys all from ___?”
Whitey: “Well we’re trying to find a cross street and waiting for someone to call us”
Cops: “Are you making fun of me?
The rest of this conversation is extremely hazy to me but somehow we got off with the cops letting us go and telling us to get the fuck out of there.  So we continue to make our purchase at our respected dealer and we blazed on through the night

So yea, not sure if that story was coherent or not but its a random tale that I have say on four twenty

From the desk of foreign correspondent Jeffrey C. A. (note to reader: substitute “desk” for “bed”) reporting in Cairo, Egypt on 4/20. You’re probably thinking: “Egypt!? What the fuck could possibly be going on in Egypt?” Quite frankly, I can understand your perplexity. I mean first off, that fine piece of ass Cleopatra has been dead for almost 2000 years, the pyramids fucking suck, and women are so conservative that getting one into your desk is like catching a cab in Cairo (see how I did that? In case you didn’t see it FYI dealing with cabs in Cairo is as painful as flying out of Israel, what with their intrusive bag inspections, hard questioning, and leading you off into a private room led by a man wearing gloves thinking all along he was going to search my booty forsome booty if you know what I mean [the Israelis, not the Egyptian cab drives] like what the fuck?). And ladies, if you’re thinking right now: is ‘women’ all this dude has to say about Egypt? Think again! Egyptian men are hornier than stout boars. Don’t bring those short skirts and tank tops down here unless you’ve got teeth in your vagina (ew, even I’m kind of disgusted at that). When Akon came down to Egypt last month, the show earned the title “Rapefest, 2009” after the span of about 30 minutes. But don’t be mislead if you are a particularly prejudice or racist reader, or an overly firm believer in inductive logic. Cairo is virtually devoid of all crime, including rape, murder, petty theft, and heresy. People are generally very friendly and helpful to foreigners with uncircumcised penises. And it’s not like they hate you because your penis is circumcised, it’s just because you stuck it where it didn’t belong (for the metaphorically challenged/politically ignorant: that was a metaphor for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict). And speaking of crime, marijuana is a very bad thing to do in Egypt! No no no no no, you will go to prison for many years! Then again, Egyptians don’t smoke weed but Hash, it’s sold in multiples of five sticks/joints at about half the price of the American Hash equivalent (so I was told, being too lazy to convert metric), AND police are easy to bribe here (two hits and 50 Egyptian pounds should do it). Anyway, I’m tired of writing. It has been an honor to serve you, good reader, in ignoring every question I imagined you might have had about Egypt and answering the questions you should have asked.

The Overheards are conversations you hear during the day you find comical. Here is the first installment and you allowed to submit some of your own. Here is the first few that were hear around my campus, recorded by Jarrett:

On a dorm couch:
Guy: “I feel like I don’t know what it feels like to be normal anymore.”

On the intramural fields:
Guy 1: “Its like the oldest written story!”
Guy 2: “Yeah but she punched a troll to get it.”

Outside Dutch Treats:
Guy 1 [reading Snapple fact]: “‘Frogs never drink.”
Guy 2: “How can that be true?”
Guy 3: “They absorb water through their assholes.”

On the sidewalk next to the intramural fields:
Girl: “Happy holidays…”

In a smoky car:
Guy: “I had a complete epiphany about my life. I’m freaking out, man.”

Around Campus:
Guy: I’m bugging out, like, really bad. I have been for like the last hour.”

jesuisperdu:

So, I had this idea in my head a while ago with some of my friends and I wanted to explain it to the tumblr world. The school newspaper is called The Chronicle at my university so why not make a spoof newspaper called “The Chronic.” Well, I was going to do it, but it wa very short notice, but not short notice enough to able to make a small tumblog for it! So submit things to Chronic. Anything at all. Not limitations. It could be stories when you are high, first time stories, funny conversations, theories formulated when high, doodles, drawing, random thoughts, rants. ANYTHING. Send it burn.aftreading@gmail.com. Send asap so I can put it up on the tumblog.

P.S. The tumblog is here for, The Chronic. (hightrees.tumblr.com)

P.S.S. Submit, submit, submit!

P.S.S.S. I am not high… yet.

P.S.S.S.S. This is a work in progress. It will be running by the end of the day.

P.S.S.S.S.S. Reblog!

What if everyone was smoking during the day in one area and we get everyone we know to dress up and black and come out of black trucks and go up to people and say, “you are under arrest” and beat them up, but the people have a revolution! Revolt!*

*Said around midnight last night, smoking.

Dear The Chronic,

Don’t smoke on the fields! It’s a trap placed by Public Safety. What is a fenced area made of wire is just a clever disguise of a net that pull you up and a helicopter will fly you out. Don’t be worried if you think it is too much effort for them. They were that bored.